The feels




"That moment when you realize that you are better alone.
Better and happier.
Self awareness is such a bitch."

I think i was just so ready for someone to see me.
I longed for someone to see me, the real me, so much that i almost fell in love. 
Seriously, isn't that stupid?
After everything that has happened, i should know better, but there i was, having the feels anyway.
I'm fine, though. 
I said almost!
Guess i got out in time. Before a little something had the chance to become a bigger something.

My best friend said he saw me, she could see it in him. 
She's usually better at seeing these things than me.
And maybe for a second he really did. 
Maybe they see, but get spooked by the thought of commitment.
Maybe they see, but decide that what they see is something they can live without. 
High maintenance. Willing to change, but not for a guy. 
And that's fine.
The thought of everything that could possibly go wrong caused me a lot of unnecessary anxiety, so maybe i'm just not as ready as i thought i was. 
But whatever it was, whatever happened, it wasn't nothing.
It was a potential something.
And it's been a long fucking time since i've had even that in my life.
For one amazing moment it made me feel like maybe, just maybe, i deserve what everyone around me seems to have no trouble finding. 
Maybe i also deserve to be loved. 

So yeah, for a few days, about a month or so ago, that thought alone, that someone, be it this particular someone or any someone, could feel something for me, with all my flaws and quirks and scars, physical and emotional, made me so excited that it was almost impossible to wipe the smile off my face.
And that part was fun.
So was dating someone i actually liked. It was a welcome change from months of self-imposed celibacy, followed by months of of rather hopeless Berlin encounters.
But i still felt silly, almost allowing myself to get excited about someone. 
I mean, i wasn't exactly making plans for the future, i'm not that stupid, but i actually told people about him!
I never do that.

So why is it that this shit doesn't work out for me?
Just bad luck?
I know i've gotten a lot pickier about who i spend my time with, but what if that's not the real reason.
What if i'm just not relationship material?

I'm the girl that guys wanna fuck.
I know that much.
But what if that's it.
What if i'm just this funny, sexy, odd looking experiment.
Something to tell their friends about.
Something they have to try before they fall in love with a tall, pretty girl with just the outline of a star tattooed on her wrist. A girl whose long, straight hair still has its natural color. A girl who is graceful and doesn't trip over her own feet, or tries to turn every other word into a fucking pun, that only her equally goofy best friends find amusing.
Yeah, you try to fuck the quirky, loud mouthed, heavily tattooed girl. 
And maybe you even tell her how special she is, or how much you respect her.
But you don't girlfriend her. 

Whatever.
I worked hard be less sensitive.
To become someone who can switch off feelings when it comes to guys. To be a guy, basically.
But the thing is, all those defense mechanisms and guards you put up to avoid getting emotionally involved, have a tendency to fall to pieces when you meet someone whose particular brand of weirdness appeals to your own. 

Anyway, my walls may have fallen to pieces for a moment, but i didn't.
I'm fine.
I am tougher and less sensitive than ever before, but i still long for someone to see me.
Just not at any cost.
I'll be happy being alone, while waiting to meet someone who isn't easily scared.
Someone who thinks that spending time with me, getting to know me, and getting to be the only one in my arms and in my bed, is a privilege, not a chore.
Someone who will see me, and my dog and, and my friends and our home, and think "fuck yes, i wanna be a part of this".
That person may not exist, but i realize now that i am finally becoming less cynical.
I may even be hopeful.
And while i may be waiting, i am no longer looking.
I'm tired of looking for him.
It's his turn to look for me.






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