The break was good, though.
With everything that's been going on, i didn't trust myself not to overshare, and i think i was right not to.
And about what's been going on... I don't wanna get too much into the details of it, but it does need to be said, so here goes: my husband and i have separated. There.
I'm mostly putting it out here because, well, it's not a secret! But also because the industry we work in can be quite gossipy, and i wanted our clients (at least those who read this blog!) to hear it from me.
Me and Allan may not be a couple anymore, but we're still business partners who work together, and who will continue to do so, and i don't want anyone coming to the studio with rumors on their minds, wondering if shit is gonna be awkward at Conspiracy Inc. Shit will not be awkward.
I won't lie, the past couple of weeks have been hard. Some of them, the hardest of my life.
I've always thought, when i dared to even think of it, that losing the love of my life would kill me.
Like, that i'd literally drop dead from the grief!
And there's been plenty of grief, but through it all, i somehow managed to not only stay alive, but grow stronger.
And that surprised the hell out of me, as i've never seen myself as a strong person at all.
But the fact that i apparently am has made getting through this a lot easier.
I suddenly have less anxiety, cause hey, the worst thing imaginable already happened to me, so what's there to be afraid of, really?
I even handled a cancer scare on my own (because, why not have health issues on top of a break-up, am i right?), something i normally would have needed a lot of support for.
I'm becoming my own best friend, and my own safe person.
I'm eating healthy and clean now, and i pretty much eat the same boring shit every day, because i now live alone and can cook whatever i damn please.
That's something i've wanted to do for a long time, and i love it.
Granted, my weight loss was kick started by heartache and stress, but i managed to turn that into something positive.
I get up every morning and exercise, no exceptions, and i am already able to fit into all the clothes that didn't fit me for almost a year. That makes a person feel good, i tell you, and i haven't felt this positive about my body in years.
I also started going to yoga classes, i meditate and read*, and i generally get out more and try to figure out what things i actually like to do, and then just go do them.
And because of that, i've made some new, wonderful friends, and gotten closer with older ones.
Basically, i'm all of a sudden finding myself on the scary, but interesting, path to getting to know myself.
And learning how to be alone without subconsciously waiting for someone else to come around and make me happy.
It's weird, cause just a few weeks ago, the word ALONE would ring in my head constantly, like a church bell, tainting everything i did and felt, and now, it's more like a distant chime. There, but way less ominous.
It's all just a matter of time and distance.
Break-ups are hard, of course, even mutual ones, especially the ones you don't see coming, and not being able to fix my marriage, the thing i've held most sacred for 12 years, made me feel like a complete failure for a while.
And to suddenly not be a family, when being a family is all you know and all that truly matters to you, basically leads to a total crisis of identity, and a loss of faith, for lack of a better word.
But even with all that going through my head every minute of the day, more or less, i still feel like i'm in a good place, and perhaps on the road to being way happier than i ever was before.
Man, i hope i didn't overshare too much!?!
Whatever, this blog has always been a little too personal, right?
Oh, and as you know i always appreciate comments, but there's no need to feel sad for me.
I'm ok, and the parts of me that are still broken will eventually heal.
By the way, i might be away from the blog for a little while longer, as i'm going to Brighton for work.
So if anyone knows where to get healthy (!) vegetarian food in the lovely city of Brighton, i'd love to hear from you in the comments!
Not too long ago Berlin looked like this, and now it's practically spring
I am currently (slowly) painting some rooms in the basement, and i wish the color actually looked like this... talk about buyers remorse...
I bought myself a new bed, a bed for one (or two if you count Lucifer) and it is great
You won't believe it, but i actually found someone in Berlin who can cut hair, so i got me some reeeally short bangs
The only "normal" meal i've had in almost a month, and it was glorious and Japanese
Twice last week i went to stalk, i mean see my imaginary boyfriend Bill Murray, who was in town for the Berlinale Festival, and one of those times Wendy went with me... it was so much fun, and really, any day you get to see Bill Murray is a good day, right?
This was my Saturday night; coffee and records and hat making
Yesterday i found that bench at a flea market, and had to carry it all the way home from Friedrichshain... but at least i had a place to sit while waiting for the tram!
Custom piece i traded with Ria from Herbal Salvation... hand made for hand made, i love her products!
Trying out new coffee with new friends
*I've also gone through all 5 seasons of Friday Night Lights, in case y'all were like "i don't even know you anymore!!"