Thursday, December 18, 2014

Ángel de la Independencia

I'm getting pretty good at being single.
And i like to think i handle the loneliness quite well too.
Well, sometimes.
Like tonight where i'm spending time alone, blogging and painting, and listening to awful music.
But this week my two best friends left Berlin to spend what's gonna seem like an eternity in their home countries, and since we're basically all joined at the hip, their absence is pretty fucking noticeable.
They're my anchors, and they're the ones who helped me realize that i should never settle when it comes to love. Yes, they're pretty special.
But i really shouldn't complain.
I'm lucky to have many other wonderful friends in Berlin, and i myself am going home for Christmas in just two days.

Today i spent a good 25 minutes waiting at the photo store while half the staff ran around like headless chickens looking for my one remaining set of pictures from Mexico.
Turns out, they hadn't gotten it back from the lab yet.
And of course it took me forever to get there.
At least Lucifer enjoyed the walk back home.
I hope they'll get it back tomorrow, so i have time to edit and upload photos before i leave for Denmark.

Yesterday it hit me that i've never actually been on a plane alone with Lucifer before.
Not that i'm worried about the flight, stuff like that doesn't even bother me anymore, but the idea of going through airport security with two bags and a dog is... well, it's not gonna be fun.
But it's a quick trip at least, and i can't wait to see my family and my Danish friends.

Here are some... well, buildings!
I take a lot of pictures of buildings, and i am aware that i might be the only one who finds them super fascinating, but they really were one of my favorite things about Mexico City.
And these aren't even the coolest ones!
I'm really not selling this post well, am i?

The shots of the city were taken from the 26th floor of an office building where a friend worked.
She let me come visit one morning a few days before i had to go home, and i could take as many pictures as i wanted before her co-workers arrived.
Now, looking at them (and the ones that didn't make the cut) i think that maybe i like the ones from my iPhone better!
You never know how this shit is gonna turn out.


Wednesday, December 17, 2014

That day on the turibus


I don't usually go for the super touristy experiences when i travel, but that doesn't mean that i think i'm too good for them or something!
It certainly didn't bother me one bit to hop on a classic double decker tour bus and drive around Mexico City with a bunch of other tourists, and one embarrassed boyfriend who spent most of the trip either sleeping, texting, or taking sneaky pictures of a dude sitting next to us who looked just like Mr. Incredible.
The bus took us from Roma to Centro, and we got off at Zocalo to eat breakfast, and then hopped on another bus to go see the Basílica de Nuestra Señora de Guadalupe, which is awesome by the way, and at a nearby market we managed to find me a beautiful sarape blanket, like the one the plastic horse is wearing.
It's on my chair right now, brightening up the room with memories of feeling sunshine on bare skin.
Something all of us unfortunate Berliners could use right about now.

So, here are some pictures from the Turibus, and another random passage from the iPhone journal.

"One of the many important things i've learned recently is to not feel so responsible for someone else's happiness.
It used to completely ruin my day when my former husband was in a pissy mood and i'd spend all of my energy trying to make him happy again, and often that just wasn't possible, and we'd both be miserable.
One of the things i came to value about being single was being free from that burden. 
I'm responsible for my own happiness and that's it. 
Somehow i was able to hang onto that in this relationship.
When my Mexican would be in a bad mood, i learned to ignore him and not let his moods bring us both down. 
I would turn inwards, focus on my own experience, or other people, have fun in spite of his mood, and let him come back to me when he was ready. 
It wasn't perfect but there sure was a lot to learn."

Monday, December 15, 2014

Ancient astronaut theorists believe....

I sure am lucky to have readers like you.
I've gotten so many kind and supportive responses to my last couple of posts*, like, way more than usual, and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
It was also nice to hear that i'm not the only one who missed my rants, so i'm gonna try to keep that up.
The ranting, the honesty, the potential public ridicule. Old school Untitled Blog style.

So i got my photos back on Friday, most of them anyway, but i had a hard time getting excited about them.
Friday was a very bad day.
I always knew there was a big chance that this trip would end kind of rough, because of my feelings for him and the distance, and i knew from previous experience that there was a chance my otherwise positive memories would be tainted if it ended badly, or just ended in general.
That's the chance you take.
So it took me a few days to be able to really sit down and enjoy the photos, and the memories they evoke.
But no matter the outcome, i won't let my current heartache ruin a month of good times, amazing experiences, and priceless life lessons.
Like i said before, this all had to happen the way it did, or i wouldn't have found myself on top of an ancient pyramid. Or at a Mexican wrestling match. Or at a house party with a bunch of salsa dancing skaters for that matter. 

So yeah, like i mentioned in this post, i was a bit hungover on the day we went to Teotihuacán because we went to a party the night before.
It was only my second night in the city, and we drove really fucking far to hang out in a garage with a few sofas, a DJ and a bunch of people i obviously didn't know.
The things that stand out the most about that night was that there was a whole table full of small plates with cut limes on them. A whole table. I found that hilarious.
Oh, and there was a puppy too, which is always a plus in my book, especially when everyone around you is speaking Spanish, and you're feeling socially awkward to begin with.
That night i had my first taste of Mexican "hardcore" chips, something i could easily become addicted to, and i learned that a surprising number of people in Mexico City know how to salsa dance really good, like they learn at the same time as they learn to walk or some shit. Amazing.
Anyway, we drank a lot of beer, something i can do now that i've discovered the michelada, and danced, had fun, and went home super late, only to get picked up by my guy's family and friends very early in the morning.

But i was excited! I've watched the Teotihuacán episode of Ancient Aliens about a million times (go ahead and judge, i would) and i couldn't wait to see something that epic in real life.
It didn't disappoint.
There were a lot of people, obviously, and the line to actually get up the pyramid was long, and felt even longer in the baking sun, but the view once you got up there was spectacular.
I lined up with everyone else to touch some sacred rock that either gives you good luck or long life, or something like that, and took a bunch of pictures, of course.

That day i had my first chilaquiles, saw my first super sized michelada, and learned that tuna isn't just a fish.
I also learned that Mexicans will literally eat all day if they can get away with it.
My kind of people.
I'm still amazed that i didn't gain any weight while i was there!

I bought a couple of very touristy souvenirs for myself. An eagle whistle and a coffee mug. 
Little treasures that says "i was there. I did that".

So, these are the first of many analog photos, presented as always without captions.
Hope you like them!



* If you're thinking "what the hell is she talking about, there are barely any comments!", the response was mostly on facebook. I swear i'm not making it up, people were very nice!

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Time to be a unicorn

Starting this post off right with a classy (classic?) bathroom selfie. Oh yeah.
I wrote most of this next part while i was still in Mexico, and when i came back i edited it, past tense'd some of it, and added some more thoughts and stuff.
So, much like myself, it's probably a mess, is what i'm trying to say!
But it's basically just a lot of thoughts and feelings about relationships and breakups, but mostly it's just about me.
Yay narcissism
I'm (over)sharing this here because a) i need to and b) i feel like that's what the blog has been lacking for the past year. Honesty. Rants. It's why i started writing this damn thing in the first place, and if i can't keep doing that, i might as well shut it down.
I write, i share, i bitch and complain, i apologize for the bitching and complaining later, i write, repeat.
That's what this blog used to be about, and that's what i need it to be again, i think.
A forum for me to share my thoughts.
If you're not into that, that's totally cool.
I get some of my analog photos back on Friday, so you can come back then and look at pretty pictures and fewer words. Or, you know, never come back at all, that's cool too.
The pictures in this post are a bit random cause i don't wanna post too many doubles in case the analog ones turn out good... in fact i shouldn't be posting pictures at all until i get them back but meh, i'll do it anyway.
Ok then, now that that's all out of the way, it's journal time!

"I don't ever wanna get married again. 
I don't even wanna live with a man ever again.
I do eventually wanna be with someone, but even though at some point i may have wanted it to be this one particular guy, that's just not possible in this lifetime. 
So maybe this was a practice relationship? 
Not a rebound, but something brief and wonderful meant to teach me how to be in a relationship in a new and more healthy way, without losing myself or the independence i've come to value?
And maybe to teach me how to end things when the good doesn't outweigh the bad anymore?

I wanna get a little (more) personal and try to explain something about myself that i know that at least a few people coming out of yearlong marriages will recognize, but others might not.
It's like a back story about this past year, something i would have written months ago if i could have, but sometimes you can't while you're in it.
But now that some time has passed and i can see things more clearly, i feel the need to try and share my thoughts.
So, here goes.

After the breakup, i found myself becoming another person. 
Literally. I wasn't the same. 
I liked different music, clothes, food, everything. 
It took a few months to get from heartbreak to transformation, but it happened and when it did, i'm sure a lot of people didn't understand. Thought i was acting strange, partying too much, having too much fun, acting like a different person on purpose.
Maybe those are the same people who bounce from relationship to relationship, forever on the rebound, stuck in a cycle of repetition just to avoid ever being alone? I don't know, but i know that i found myself fully alone, left with no choice but to adapt.

The thing is, i think, that the person i used to be, i couldn't be her anymore. 
She was hurt too bad, wounded beyond repair, and the only way to survive was to become someone else, someone new who hadn't been through that. 
So i did, to a degree where it was as if my very cell structure had transformed. 
I swear it wasn't intentional, but when i tried to wear my old clothes or listen to my old records, i would have an almost physical reaction against it, like an allergy, telling me it was all wrong. 
But it was ok. I liked the new me.
A lot of the problems old me struggled with, like panic attacks and social anxiety, new me didn't seem to have those.
New me went to Japan alone, old me was afraid to even get on a bus without company!

After a while, months, the old me would occasionally start to resurface, often scaring the shit out of me. 
Cause if she came back, did it mean i would be open to get hurt again? 
Would my anxiety return, would my new found bravery disappear as suddenly as it had arrived? 
I've always wanted to be brave and free, and now that i finally was, i was terrified of losing it.

Perhaps some people thought the new me was a fake. An act? 
They can go ahead and think what they will, but in addition to being essential to my survival, i also like to think that the transformation was not just me discovering, but in some cases rediscovering, the real me. 
Getting back touch with my actual likes, not the things he liked, or the things he told me he liked me to wear, liked me to listen to, wanted me to be. 
Or more importantly, the things he hated. Because me, the real me, don't hate a lot of things. 

Recently i've started once again liking the things former me liked.
Slowly enjoying the music and hobbies she used to enjoy, like for example decorating, which just did not interest me at all for a while, and that was obviously kind of a bummer since it's one of the few things i'm actually good at!
Now it's almost like the old me and the new me are finally merging, becoming one hopefully more whole person.
I'll never be her again, though. Old me. She died sometime back in February and i'm ok with that.
The new me is having way more fun anyway, and more importantly, she's not afraid. 
Not even of love.
It's nice to know that even someone as damaged as me (even my trust issues have trust issues!) can somehow manage to have feelings for another person, but i'm more cautious now. 
I may fall just as hard as i always did, but i feel like finally i'm no longer afraid to walk away if the love is not good for me.

Now, when I feel that someone is judging me, quietly trying to change me, or put me down to make themselves feel better, i put my guard up. 
Cause it's so damn tempting, to change for love!
There's still something deep inside me that's telling me it's ok to change and to please and to lie to myself just to be the object of someones affection. We're basic beings, we all just wanna be loved. So i've had to tell that something to shut up on a regular basis. 

What, you don't like me as i am? 
Plenty of other people do. 
You're somehow threatened by my opinions or interests? 
Then you're not strong enough to be with me. 
You need to text some other chick every five minutes?
You go ahead and do that, but you'll be doing it without me, cause i deserve better.
Don't like my quirks, my singing, my clumsiness, my makeup, my jokes, my crappy music, my writing? 
Feel free to fuck right off. 

It's tough to keep yourself in check, but i'm determined not to fall into the same trap, and i'll stay single for years (even though i think it fucking sucks most of the time) if that's what it takes to hold onto myself.
Maybe that's why i'm posting this? To be held accountable? 
Or maybe i'm just back to my old over sharing tricks!"

This tough as shit mariachi guy with the prison tattoos on his hands (no, really) might just be the dreamiest guy ever, who knows... 

And this grandma is definitely the cutest grandma of all time, and i may or may not have attempted to kidnap her (ok, i didn't, but the plan was right there in my head)

Anthropology museum again, because i realize that a whole post of ancient and not-so-ancient Mexican artifacts might literally bore my readers to death

But i mean, come on...

... and this?! Ok, moving on...

One day we went to the zoo and saw this adorable guy

Another time we went on a sightseeing bus tour of the city, which is quite possibly the single most touristy thing i have ever done

I loved the bus tour actually, but it killed me to drive so fast through so many interesting neighborhoods, and not be able to get out and take pictures

At the religious mall near the Basílica de Nuestra Señora de Guadalupe i witnessed this rather disturbing threesome 

Cute bookstore on Monterrey

When wandering alone in the city, i'd often get distracted from my original destination by a cute side street, and really, can you blame me?

I did a lot of drawing this past month, usually at nail shop where i got these done

Our dinners were often from street kitchens, and street food was everywhere making the whole city smell delicious

If i call, maybe they'll send... him...

I wasn't planning on getting a souvenir on this trip, but i'm glad i did

This is what i'd wear on cold days, and right now, typing this, i am wearing a beanie indoors

I loved just walking around my neighborhood (yes, mine, i like to make myself at home when i travel)

This is some of the best coffee i had in Mexico City, and if you're a bit of a snob about your java devil, you don't wanna miss this place

"You're gonna take another picture of your hand holding a cup of coffee?!" Yes, now shut up and wait for me while i get this juuuust right 

Carter... so handsome

Sharing a diner style milkshake because oh my god yum

Mexican niece being cute at the Museo Dolores Olmedo

This museum had amazing art, and peacocks, and Xolo's

Museo Diego Rivera Anahuacalli

The next post will hopefully be analog photos.
My camera was a bit wonky on this trip, and i'm worried about the outcome, so please keep your fingers crossed that i didn't carry that brick of a camera around Mexico City for a month for nothing!